(no subject)

 Well, here I am, freaking out.

My professional student line of credit was denied even with K as a cosigner.  Ugh ugh ugh.  There may be one option left, but maybe not.  If I have to try to get through school without a professional line of credit, I'm damn near hooped.  Goonie crisp.

Seriously.

Freaking out.

I need a car that runs (my car runs.  But will it last another year and a half?).  

I know I have a poor credit history.  I have paid off my debts that sadly were in collections which means my credit is really in the shitter, but I do not owe any banks anything and I'm very much on the way to remediation.  However, I don't have any assets (how could I, I've been in poverty for so long?)  Oh banks.  I have to remember you are not in the business of doing good, you are in the business of making money.

I must focus on passing the midterms that are on my plate this week.  I really cannot allow myself to freak out.


I can work.  I can take clients.  just.  fried goonies.  Deep fried goonies.

(no subject)

 Ok, it's time to take care of me:

I have eaten lunch in spite of wanting to barf.  I am also forcing myself to drink a whole glass of water.  

My worth is not tied up in my ability to get a loan from the bank.  

I am worthy AND I did not get approved for a loan from the bank.

I am loved and lovable AND I did not get approved for a loan from the bank.

I am capable and I am doing the work to do this really huge and incredible thing called midwifery.  I am doing the work to build my career.  

Oh I can get into the, "but I made my bed when I was 19 and chose to have a child and when I married an alcoholic and moved 1200 miles form home and out of my country."  but I must resist this.  I am resisting this.  

I am ok.  I am.  That is enough.

I am breathing.  I feel my feet on the ground and my butt on the chair.  I take a sustaining drink of water.
I am doing the work.

I am doing the work.

I do the work.

I work.

I am lovable and capable and drinking more water.

It is normal to feel worried and tense about money.  

I have enough to eat.  I have a vehicle and transit and a budget that takes care of me.  I have enough money for my children's shelter and clothes and even for soccer and music lessons (which I have yet to sign them up for, but it is in the budget).  I have an amazing partner.  My partner is an amazing money manager and I'm amazing at following her advice.  I am good with money these days.  In 4 years or just over I will be a midwife and I will be making plenty of money.  My life's worth is not equal to the money I make.  I choose to be a midwife because I love the work AND it will support me and my family.  I have enough.  There is plenty.  

My worth is independent of what my credit report says or my net worth.

I am worthy.  Period.  Period.  Period.

I'm going to go for a walk (a short one) and then I do the work of studying for 103 in a new location.  Perhaps outside the room to my next class.  I drink water.  I eat foods that fuel my body and taste delicious.

I am.  

I am.